Upgrade Your Brain

Today I heard a great analogy about how to change your brain. Just like with your home, before you can move something new in, you often have to get the old out; a bed, a couch, chairs, a table.  When you are ready to upgrade to something new and better you have to get the old out first.  It is the same with our minds.  When we are ready to upgrade to better thoughts, new ways of looking at life, a better way of doing things, we must first get the old out.   This allows space for something new and better.

Have you ever been around someone who particularly impressed you?  Maybe they were very intellectual.  Maybe they were very confident.  Maybe they were very happy and positive.  Maybe they were very deep thinking.  You have the ability to move in that same direction by clearing out space and making room for something new and better.

Marelisa Fabrega, author of the blog "Daring to Live Fully" gives 10 ways to clear out space in your mind. (Warning, do not try to implement all 10 today!  Just pick one thing.  When you feel comfortable with that, pick another.  This is not a marathon.)

1.  Declutter your physical space.  Physical clutter leads to mental clutter.  There is a definite connection here.  As you clean out your physical space you will actually feel differently, lighter, more open.

2.  Write it down.  You don't need to keep everything in your brain.  It takes a lot of mental energy to keep it all upstairs.  Use a device or good old fashioned paper and pen to keep some of that information somewhere else, thus freeing up mental space and energy.

3. Keep a journal.  This mental exercise helps you to get out of your brain and onto paper (or screen as the case may be) things you are worried about, hopes, dreams, frustrations.   Often in the writing down of things in a journal I have had "aha" moments, or figured things out that I had not been able to before.  It's like therapy that you give yourself.

4.  Let go of the past.  It actually takes a tremendous amount of energy to hold onto negative from your past.  You won't realize it until you let it go, then all of a sudden you feel more light and free, and you wonder why you waited so long!  I could write a whole series of articles devoted to tools on how to let go of the past.  Tune in next week for a few ideas on how to do this.

5.  Stop multi-tasking.  Just as it is most effective to tackle one room or one pile at a time, so it is with our minds.  Focus on one thing at a time and do it well.  This keeps your mind from being scattered in too many directions at once, like a pile of clutter of which you never get to the bottom.

6.  Limit the amount of trivial information coming in.  Ask yourself this question,  "Do I feel like I am losing time to any kind of social media? Online sites? News programs? Other?  If so, decide how to limit your exposure to this information.  Doing so will also limit the time your brain spends processing it, thus freeing up space for meaningful things that you choose.

7.  Be decisive.  I once had an employer that would put off decisions until the lack of making a decision was in and of itself a decision, and not usually the one she would have chosen.  Lay out your options and make a choice.  Then it can stop weighing on your brain. Using your higher power for tough decisions can be a great benefit in helping you to feel good about the decisions you make.

8.  Put routine decisions on auto-pilot.  In other words, form habits to decrease the amount of brain space you spend on things that are repetitive.  For instance, I have a morning routine that I follow each weekday.  It includes meditation time, breakfast and going to the gym.  I do the same thing every morning.  It is a HABIT.  I do not have to decide every morning whether or not I am going to go to the gym.  I just do it.  It frees up space and energy inside of me.

9.  Prioritize.  Decide on the top 1-3 things that are the most essential in your day.  These may or may not be tasks.  It is whatever is the most important to you.  Ask yourself, "If I could only do one thing today, what would it be?"  That helps narrow it down considerably.  Often my first priority is relationship oriented rather than task oriented, something I have upgraded in my brain.

10. Meditate.  This can take as little as 10 minutes per day, but can be very refreshing or cleansing, like a cool quick shower when you are hot and sweaty.  It just refreshes you and give clarity to your mind.

For Marelisa's full article on this topic, go to https://daringtolivefully.com/declutter-your-mind

As you use the tools to clear space in your brain, you now have room that can be filled with whatever you choose to fill it with.  Just as you would carefully choose a new piece of furniture for your house, it is wise to also carefully choose how to fill that space inside of you.  There is much to choose from that is good and wonderful.  What do you want to put inside of you?  Give yourself an upgrade!

What is your WHY?

Michelle Gilbert had a goal to learn something new every year.  In 2008 she decided to learn how to make bread at the suggestion of her sister in order to help support her two boys in their missionary service for the church they belong to.  She had lots of wheat stored in the garage as well as a good supply of other ingredients needed for bread making.  At first she gave her bread away to the neighbors.  Soon she began selling it to them.  Before long she was making sweet breads and other baked items for weddings and other events.  Before she knew it she was getting up at 3:00 a.m. every morning and baking about 60 loaves of bread per day in addition to other baked goods.  The project had become huge!  After paying for a total of four years of missionary service for her two sons she decided to close her in-home business.

In 2014 she went to work for a marketing company.  One day she was in a work meeting when a question was posed to the group: "What is your WHY?  Why do you get up in the morning?"  Michelle says it hit her that her "WHY" was not marketing.  In discussing the question later with her husband he pointed out that she had loved having a bakery, so why didn't she do that?  Michelle realized that she indeed did love baking, and it was the WHY that she wanted to get up for in the morning.  That is when the idea for "Vanilla Bean" was born.  Michelle decided to open a bakery, not run it out of her home.  She had a vision of exactly what it would look like, how it would be run, and what would be offered.  She set about to make her vision a reality, and that is just what she did.

When Michelle had trouble finding the decor she was looking for she decided to build much of it herself.  She built everything from the cabinet that the soda fountain dispenser sits on to the artwork on the walls to the big barn door into the kitchen.

 Michelle worked to make everything about The Vanilla Bean the fresh and inviting bakery you encounter when you enter its doors.

Michelle says that making this successful bakery a reality is probably the hardest thing she has ever done because she did not know how to do it.  She had to go through an intense learning period that was difficult and stressful.  But she got her WHY.   She now knows WHY she gets up in the morning.   About her bakery she says, "I walk in here in the mornings and it feels good.  I feel good because I didn't quit.  Keep at it and don't give up.  Keep going, keep trying.  If there is something you want to do, keep trying!  I feel good because I did this!"

What is your WHY?  Why do you get up in the morning?  What motivates you?  What are you passionate about that is worth doing each day?  Don't be afraid to go after your dreams and do hard things.  Figure out your WHY and make it happen.

The Gift of Life

Today I want to tell you a story about how my daughter's life was saved this week.  My 23-year-old daughter Heidi gets allergy shots on a weekly basis and has for about six months now.  Last Wednesday after receiving her weekly injection she started feeling sick as she was going out to her car.  Once in her car she turned the air on in hopes that it would help her feel better.  It didn't.  She realized that she was going to throw up so she turned her car off and got out just in time.  After she threw up she was having trouble breathing and passed out.  Though she did not realize it, she was having an anaphylactic reaction--the most severe of allergic reactions which can lead to death within minutes.  Luckily a woman had just pulled into a parking stall next to my daughter as all of this was happening.  She called 911 and ran to the nearest office for help.  By the time the paramedics got there my daughter was blue and having severe difficulty breathing.  After an epi-pen given by the doctor's office and three more given by the paramedics they were finally able to stabilize her and rush her to the hospital.  Two hours later she was able to go home.  Today, five days later she is fine.

What if that woman had not been there?  What if no one had seen her before it was too late?  This Memorial Day weekend would have been very different for my family.  This beautiful daughter has been married for 10 months to a wonderful young man that we adore.  They are set to close on the house they just build this next week.  What "could have been" is almost too painful to think about.  Our lives were very nearly turned completely upside down.

Once again I am given new perspective.  Last week I wrote about how I nearly lost my husband a few years ago and how I have tried never to take his presence in my life for granted since then.  Just one week later I have again been given new perspective of the gift of having this daughter in my life.  I cannot quit wanting to hug her.

I also have questions.  I have a sweet friend whose son was killed in a head-on collision this month.  He was only 21 years old.  Why was my child spared and hers was not?  I do not know the answer.  I only know that we need to cherish the ones we care about while we have got them.  Over the years I have had brushes with death and almost lost a small son (twice, the same child) my husband, and now this daughter.  My new goal is to love and appreciate the people around me more fully.  I don't want to look back with regrets at not having appreciated my time with someone I love while I had the chance.  It reminded me of the song "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw.  In part, the song says:

He said
"I was in my early forties with a lot of life before me
And a moment came tat stopped me on a dime.
I spent most of the next days looking at the x-rays
Talkin' bout the options and talkin' 'bout sweet time."

I asked him, "When it sank in that this might really be the real end
How'd it hit you when you get that kind of news, man, what'd you do?"

He said
"I went skydiving, I went Rocky Mountain climbing
I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu,
And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"
And he said, "Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying."

He said
"I was finally the husband that most the time I wasn't
And I became a friend a friend would like to have,
And all of a sudden going fishin' wasn't such an imposition
And I went three time that year I lost my dad.
I finally read the Good Book, and I took a good long hard look
At what I'd do if I could do it all again.

...Like tomorrow was a gift and you've got eternity
To think about what you'd do with it,
What could you do with it?
What did you do with it?
What would I do with it?

In the United States we celebrate Memorial Day in honor of those who have died serving our country.  It has also become a day to remember other loved ones who have died.  Today as we remember those we have lost, let us also appreciate those still with us, and give our very best to them while we have the chance.

Being Present and Aware

Have you ever had the experience of eating a food you really enjoyed and suddenly wondered where that last bite went?  Did you finish it or was it sitting somewhere still waiting to be eaten?  You realize that you must have eaten it without noticing, but you are not satisfied since you didn't remember eating it and didn't get to enjoy it, and so you get some more?  This has happened to me multiple times.  When I get distracted I find that I miss out on getting the full enjoyment out of whatever it is that I am experiencing.

This week I was sitting on the couch with my sweet three-year-old granddaughter watching a movie.  She crawled over and cuddled up on my lap.  I was talking to someone at the time, and though I was somewhat aware that she was there, I was not truly present and aware of her.  A few minutes later my conversation ended, allowing me to stop being distracted.  As I sat there with my sweet little one I noticed the connection between us.  I felt how safe and comfortable she was with me, and I with her.  I noticed how fresh and sweet she smelled, and how much I enjoyed this precious moment with her. How easily that time together could have slipped by unnoticed and unappreciated if I had continued talking or been engrossed in the movie. (As it happens I have seen this particular movie over, and over, and over at her request, so it was easy to not pay attention to it.)  All too soon she will be past the cuddling stage with grandma forever.  Our positive experiences here should be treasured. I was so glad I took the time to be present and aware and to enjoy her.

I used to take having my husband with me for granted.  Then unexpectedly one day he had a life-threatening situation and survived.  It happened so quickly.  He could have been gone in the blink of an eye.  It woke me up.  I felt that somehow I had been given a second chance to have him in my life.  Ever since then I try not take him for granted.  I have learned to appreciate his very presence in my world.  When I lay down at night I lay on his chest and listen to his heart beat, and I think about how glad that he is still with me.  I never did that before the accident.  I was not present and aware, but now I am, and my life feels richer and more fulfilled because of my awareness.

The art of truly becoming present and aware brings balance, and adds a richness and fulfillment to life that is very valuable.  In the Balance class that I teach I give each participant a chocolate Hershey's Kiss to eat while I tell them a story.  Because they are focused on my story they are distracted from focusing on what they are eating.  When the story ends I then give them a second chocolate Kiss and have them close their eyes and focus on the taste and how it feels in their mouth while they are eating it.  Without fail, my participants consistently report that the second Hershey's Kiss is much more enjoyable than the first.  Why is this?  They are present and aware of what they are experiencing.

Each of our lives can be more enriched and fulfilled by being more present and aware of our experiences.  It doesn't take any more time to do this in your day, and it makes life so much more enjoyable.  Don't gulp down your day without noticing.  Be present and enjoy all the good that surrounds you.

A Series of Miracles

It all started 18 years ago with a lady named Wendy.  Wendy was in the antiques business.  She would buy and sell antiques, and as part of her job she attended many estate sales.  Occasionally she would run across old photos or other family memorabilia.  She would always ask, “Is there no family for this?”  Usually the people holding the sale would agree that the family had overlooked the item(s) and they would be taken down from the sale.  One day Wendy attended an estate sale where she ran across a very old, very meticulous and detailed book of remembrance.  It was thickly loaded with pictures, names, stories, certificates and documents of many kinds.  The problem was it was in Dutch and Wendy could not read it.  “Is there no family for this?” she asked.  The people hosting the sale told her that the family had taken what they wanted and has instructed the rest to be sold.  Because Wendy could not bear to see such a family treasure be thrown away she bought the book and took it home.  She did not know anyone who spoke Dutch, but she had good intentions of finding someone connected to it.  The book was eventually put on the shelf where it stayed for the next ten years.

When Wendy’s family moved the book again resurfaced.  Wendy still could not part with it, and so she put it on a shelf in her new house and again forgot about it.  Eight or so years later as she was cleaning out her house she ran across the book again.  This time as she thumbed through its pictures, names and unknown stories she realized that there was a woman in her neighborhood who was from the Netherlands and spoke Dutch.  She took the book to this woman, whose name was Noortje.  Noortje could read the book very easily, and quickly found the names of a couple who had emigrated from the Netherlands to the United States many years ago.  Noortje took the names of the couple to her daughter who was familiar with the website FamilySearch to see if she could find this old couple anywhere on the website that would offer a connection to where this book belonged.  With the help of a young missionary at an LDS Family History Center this daughter was able to locate not only the names of this old couple on the website, but found an email in the Netherlands connected to their names.  This daughter had emailed people in her own line many times, and had only occasionally gotten a response, so although both she and her mother were very excited at having found the right family that the book belonged to, they were not overly hopeful of receiving a response from a living family member. 

To their complete surprise they received an email back within two days from a man named Rik.  He lived in the Netherlands.  He explained that his grandparents had immigrated to the United States in 1949 after World War II.  They had two daughters.  One came with them and one stayed in the Netherlands.  Sadly, his grandmother had died just three years after coming to the United States, followed by her husband 8 years after that.  All of their possessions fell to their daughter who had come to the United States with them.  She married and had children of her own.  She had been dead for 18 years, and what her children did not want had been sold at that very estate sale where Wendy had found the book. Because the family in the Netherlands and the family in the United States did not have much contact, they eventually lost track of each other.  Rik was one of 6 children born to the sister who stayed in the Netherlands.  He had few photos of his maternal grandparents, and knew little of their history, having been born after they came to the United States.  Rik was also the only member of his family who was actively interested in doing family history.  He was absolutely thrilled to hear from Noortje and her daughter, and was anxious to have the book they had described. 

Arrangements were made and the book shipped to Rik in the Netherlands as quickly as possible.  He was so excited that he sent pictures back to Noortje and her daughter of him opening the box and holding the precious book.  The book of remembrance had made it home at last to a place where it would be treasured.

As for the miracles surrounding this story, it was miraculous that the book was found by someone who would be willing to buy it and hold onto it for so many years. 

It was a miracle that Wendy happened to move into the neighborhood where Noortje lived who was fluent in both old Dutch and English and who had the interest and time to help with such a project. 

It was a miracle that Noortje’s daughter just happened to be very familiar with the very same family history program that Rik was using to document his family history. 

It is a miracle that the email address was posted, found and responded to. 

It was a miracle that Rik was able to receive such a priceless book back into his own family.  In his own words he said, “It was an emotional moment for me to hold the box in my hands and to open it and see all these photo's, letters and records. Most of the photo's I had never seen; I didn’t even know they existed, so you can imagine my excitement and happiness. We had some in our possession, but apparently my grandparents had almost all the pictures with their belongings when they emigrated. Everything, the pictures as well as the records are a great and invaluable completion of what we have over here.”

For all intents and purposes this story ends here with a happy ending.  But one added miracle came when Noortje, who had immigrated to the U.S. in 1949 and had never been back to the Netherlands, decided to take a trip with her daughters to see the place where she had grown up, lived through World War II, and to meet her cousins that still lived in the Netherlands.  She had not been back in 67 years.  The timing of this once-in-a-lifetime trip just happened to take place 10 months after the book had been returned to Rik.  Because of Rik’s deep appreciation for the efforts exerted to find and return the book to him he traveled 3 hours on the train and on foot to meet Noortje and her daughters.  They spent a memorable afternoon together, and then he traveled the 3 hours home again. 

Miracles.

Daughter Shiree, Rik, Noortje

The Weight of Worry

Last week I told a little bit of the story of my healthy and happy 17-year-old daughter who has suddenly over the last 4 months developed such severe joint pain that she sometimes cannot open a door, pour her own drink, pick up her laptop, climb the stairs, or even drive.  She has kept a remarkably positive attitude.  As her mother, I have tried to keep up a brave face, but I worry.  I worry because the doctors can't find out what is wrong.  I worry that every doctor we go to has no answers.  I worry that she is continuing to deteriorate faster than we can find help for her. I worry because she is in a lot of pain.  I worry, worry, worry.

On top of this I have another daughter who is also struggling a lot with completely different issues. Hers are much more invisible, but very difficult burdens to bear as well.

Still a third daughter is struggling with different issues still.  

This week I was feeling very weighed down with everyone's struggles, as we mother's tend to do.  We are programmed to fix and solve, and when we can't do that we tend to worry, and so I was.  My worry became so heavy that I began to feel depressed and helpless.  In turning to my higher power, God, I was reminded of a saying I once heard, that worry is like a rocking horse.  It goes back and forth, back and forth, but it never gets you anywhere.  All the worrying in the world does not change one thing, not one!  "Then what am I to do?" I asked.  God reminded me of a tool I have used in the past when burdens are too heavy.  As I remembered to use this tool I was able to let the worry go. When worry leaves, peace and relief take its place.  This has worked wonders for me over the years, as it did this week, and I would like to share it with you.

Get somewhere quiet and comfortable where you can be alone. (This part alone may be a challenge!) Close your eyes.  Imagine a sturdy box in front of you on a table.  Visualize what your heavy burdens look like inside of you.  Imagine taking them out of yourself and putting them in the box.  (The first time you do this it may take a bit to visualize, but don't give up, it works)  Visualize this happening in whatever form they come out in.  They may come out your belly button, your pores, your mouth, or whatever way your mind comes up with.  They may come out as a liquid, or in some other form.  Let your mind guide the visualization.  Continue visualizing until all the heaviness, pain, worry is out of you and has gone into the box on the table in front of you.  Visualize yourself sealing the box so nothing can get back out.  Visualize in detail.  Now visualize your higher power, whomever or whatever that is for you, standing facing you.  Picture yourself picking up the box and handing it to your higher power.  Visualize your higher power taking it from you and holding it for you.  You will notice that it is much heavier for you than it is for your higher power.  Notice that as that higher power holds your box it becomes smaller and smaller.  They will now be the caretaker of your heaviness, pain and worry.  They are going to hold it for you.  They are going to bear it for you.  It is no longer inside of you.  It is with them.  It is being taken care of.  Notice how much easier you can breathe, how much lighter you feel. The exercise is now over.  Open your eyes.  Take a few minutes to rest and feel the peace.

Sometimes I have the incorrect thinking that if I am not worrying, I am not properly taking care of my child.  What I have to remember is that my higher power is taking care of my child, and is much more capable than I am.  He is the right one to hold that pain.   The trick is not to take the box back, but to continue to let your higher power hold it for you.  I tell you this from experience.  Sometimes after I give God my box, I decide that I need to take it back and hold it myself.  I let go of trusting that it will be taken care of.  I forget how heavy the burden is.  If this happens, and it may, do the exercise again, and give it back.  Do this daily if necessary.  This beautiful tool will not change your situation.  It will not change what is hard.  What it will change is how you feel and how you function.  You can stumble around under the weight yourself, or you can give it to your higher power and feel peace and relief in your situation.

As I have used this tool this week I have felt the burdens lifted, felt lighter, happier, and been a better person, and so can you.  

Defining Life

I have a daughter who has been suffering from some debilitating physical challenges.  In the last few months her pain and limits have become much worse.  Despite her unexpected challenges she has kept up an amazingly positive attitude.  I learned a great lesson from her a couple of weeks ago when I asked her how she was doing that day.  She said, "I'm doing great!  My body is having a bad day, but I'm doing great!"  I have pondered a lot about this statement.  Somehow this young teenager has been able to separate her painful trial from how she feels about her life.  She has not let her trial define her.

I have seen other people who have been able to do this as well.  I know another amazing young lady who has been a talented gymnast.  Because of an accident beyond her control while performing service for others, she suffered a severe back injury.  As a result she has had multiple painful back surgeries over the last couple of years.  She has not been able to return to gymnastics, one of her passions.  Despite these heavy challenges she consistently posts positive things on Facebook about how peaceful and happy she is, and the things she is grateful for in her life.  She never talks about the suffering she is going through.  She does not let her trial define her.

What I am learning is that I have a choice.  I have a choice about what defines my life, we all do.  We are not victims of life.  Yes, we may have overwhelming hard circumstances that we cannot control, but we still have the freedom to choose how we respond, and how we feel inside.

Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor and author of Man's Search for Meaning has said, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves."

The examples of those around me have inspired me to work to choose a positive attitude, to choose how I will define my life, not by my trials and circumstances, but by what I choose to see, what I choose to create, what I choose to think about.