Sweet Ann Madsen

 I met Ann through work when she became a patient at my clinic.  The first time I saw her name on the schedule I knew instantly who she was.  She was a well known scholar.  I had watched documentaries she had been in, and listened to her husband's tapes.  I felt lucky for the opportunity to interact with her.  We quickly became friends during her frequent visits to our clinic.  We talked about many things, and I soaked her wisdom up like a sponge.  Though nearly 90, I learned that she was still actively teaching at BYU as an expert on Isaiah, and that she had been teaching there for 47 years.  I began to keep a running list of questions to ask her.  I was going through a particularly rigorous program at the time, and she told me she would put my name on her "prayer list", a literal list of people she prayed specifically for on a regular basis.  I felt honored.  

As Ann's condition worsened, she was forced to spend some time in the hospital, and then at a care facility.  That did not stop her from doing podcasts and other things from wherever she was.  It also did not seem to dampen her spirits.  She was cheerful, happy and kind.  Her laugh was contagious.  One couldn't help but be drawn in by her.

One day in the fall I decided to bring Ann some peaches and plums from my trees.  I packed them up and went to visit her at the care facility.  She was busy writing her memoirs, and read me what she had recently written about knowing Spencer W. Kimball all her life.  It was fascinating to listen to her read it.  We had a nice little chat and I left her the fruit.  Later that day she called to thank me for the plums and asked me if I could bring her some more.

Eventually plum season was over, and I couldn't supply her with any more plums, but I continued to visit her.  We had lovely visits.  The more we talked, the more I wanted to ask her questions and learn from her.  She promised to read me more of her memoirs, and I was eager to hear them.  

One morning I showed up at work to be informed by another nurse that Ann had died in her sleep.  I was devastated.  I was just getting to know this wonderful new friend, and had so much I wanted to learn from her.  I hadn't gotten to ask her all my questions either.  I was so sad.  The pain of regret for not getting to have a longer friendship with her stung at me for days.  

Finally I realized the error of my thinking.  I could make myself miserable pining for what was lost, or I could be grateful for the amazing opportunity I had been given.  What if I had not known her at all?  What if I had never gotten to talk to her, learn from her, hear her stories?  But I did, and while it ended too soon for me, I wanted to see and honor the gift I had been given instead of wishing for more.  When I switched to this way of thinking, my heart turned from regret and sadness to gratitude and appreciation.  I began to think with fondness of our short friendship together instead of regret that it had not been longer.

There are always two ways of looking at things.  It is like two sides of the same coin  The situation is the same, but one side of the coin is sad, dark and negative.  Flipping your figurative coin over you will often find good that came, gratitude, appreciation, and lessons learned.  Just switching the thinking makes the situation feel completely different!

What hard thing is happening in your life?  Is there a different way to look at your situation?  Flip your coin over.  What do you find?

What My Birthday Present Taught Me...

 For my birthday this year my son gave me a beautiful philodendron-looking plant.  I had never seen anything like it.  The leaves are a mixture of lime green and dark green, each leaf having a different pattern.  No two are exactly alike.  Even though many leaves are on one stem, each leaf uses the two variations of color in a different way.  Seeing all the different leaves together is really quite stunning.

One day I was sitting next to this plant.  While I munched my lunch I studied the leaves.  I marveled at their variation and beauty.  Then it struck me, this plant is a metaphor for all of us!  Take my family, for instance, all seven of my children come from the same "stem", same mother and father, yet each child is unique, and uses their blend of DNA and traits in a different way.  If you think about it, I am sure your family is the same way.  

If we stand back further, we can see that every person on earth has their own exclusive variation, just like the leaves on my plant.  Each is unique.  Each is beautiful.  So why should we seem surprised when others seem different from us?  Why should we be surprised when others think differently, respond differently, have a different opinion, dress differently, believe differently, and do things differently?

Instead of being surprised and sometimes not happy about it, perhaps seeing the difference in each other, and how together we make something stunning and wonderful would be better instead. Let us marvel at each other's variation and beauty.  Individually and together, we are stunning!

You Can Adjust

 We have a road near my house that narrows from two lanes to one.  The right lane ends, with a warning "merge" sign.  I drive up this road frequently.  It has been interesting to watch how different people respond to this merge.  Some people signal, find an opening and merge in, as directed.  Others speed up and merge.  Others force their way in, occasionally pushing the person in the continuing lane into the center strip if they don't want to play bumper cars.  

I used to get annoyed when people didn't drive by the rules, but what I finally came to realize is that I cannot control what other people do.  I can't change them.  I can't fix them.  I can't control them.  The only person I can control is myself.  I am learning how to adjust when others act in unexpected ways.

Adjusting to those around you can be a wonderful thing!  Instead of being frustrated that the person who is supposed to merge is pushing me out of my lane, I can slow down and let them in.  Yes, they may be being a jerk, but I can't control them, remember?  I can only control me.  I remind myself that I just did my good deed for the day.  I can't know why people do what they do.  But I can adjust, and I feel better when I do. Imagine how wonderful it feels to not let other people have the power to ruffle your feathers.  (Yes, I do realize you are not a bird.)

This is not only true for driving, it is also true for all aspects of life.  Just as we may be surrounded by cars on a road, we are also surrounded by people everywhere we go, likely even in our own home.  

I cannot change, fix or control anyone else.  I may not know why someone else does things differently than I would.  But I do have control over one very big element - myself!  I can choose to be calm, patient and understanding.  I can choose to steer clear.  I can choose to get upset and frustrated.  It's my choice.  I get to choose how to adjust, and so do you.  So next time someone cuts you off, remember that your response is truly your choice.

 

P.S. I used to feel like it wasn't my choice how to adjust.  I spent all my time reacting instead.  If you feel like this is an issue for you, my upcoming class on Emotional Management could be just the thing!

Heart-Shaped Rocks

 My next door neighbor was an avid outdoorist.  Whenever she was out wandering around in nature she would look for heart-shaped rocks.  She often brought these rocks home to add to her wonderful collection.  My children liked it so much that whenever they found a rock in a heart shape, they would take it to her.  Eventually this wonderful neighbor moved away.  When she did, she gave me a heart rock to remember her by.  I set it in a special place in my yard.  It made my heart happy, so I began searching for heart rocks of my own.  At first they were quite hard to find.  I felt like I was hunting for a four-leaf clover.  On the rare occasion I would find one I was overjoyed!  I would take it home and set it next to the one my neighbor gave me.  Eventually I had a nice little collection.  

I've always liked rocks.  I have a beautiful rock wall in my backyard, and have brought in larger rocks to set throughout my flower beds as well.  One day I noticed that some of these rocks had heart shapes as well.  What a discovery!  I had never noticed them before.  

I decided to play a little game with my grandchildren when they came over for a BBQ the next week.  I had identified 14 heart-shaped rocks.  We divided the grandkids into 2 teams, each with a camera, and gave them a time limit.  Whomever could find the most heart-shaped rocks in the time period would win.  I knew there were 14, and I was anxious to see how many they could find.  The most surprising thing happened. My grandchildren started identifying hearts in rocks that I had not seen, or that I still did not quite see.  I decided whatever they thought was heart-shaped would count. In the end, we added up all the rock pictures for each team.  Shockingly, they each had 43 rocks.  "I certainly have creative grandchildren" I thought.  In the weeks that followed, I kept mulling over how they saw hearts where I didn't.  

It just so happens, that I walk past a section of  rock landscaping on my way in to work each morning.  I decided to look for hearts there.  At first I could identify one or two, but as the days went by I began to see more and more, until now, I see hearts nearly everywhere I look while walking past those rocks!  What changed?  

Our mind gets focused on something, and suddenly that is what we see everywhere.  Have you ever gotten a new car, and suddenly you see your car everywhere? Or you are pregnant, and suddenly everyone seems pregnant?  That is what happened with the rocks.  My mind started "seeing" them. 

This is true for many other things in life as well, including "seeing" the positive or negative of any given situation, having gratitude or being disgruntled about a circumstance, appreciating the good or being irritated by an individual, "seeing" the good in the world or overwhelmed by the hard things our world is experiencing right now.  

Pretty much you are going to see what you are looking for.  What are you looking for?  Do you mostly notice the negative in a child or spouse?  The people driving around you on the road? What you don't like about your job? etc.  What if you were to actively "look" for the positive in your child or spouse?  What if you were to notice the gracious drivers on the road? What if you were to actively look for what you DO like about your job?  How would this make your life better?

Seeing the good, the beautiful, and the positive around you may feel like looking for a four-leaf clover at first, and it may not change your circumstance, but it will change who you are inside.  It will change how you feel.  It will lead you to peace, joy and contentment, and THAT changes everything.

Connect with me more at imlivinginjoy@gmail.com

Getting Out of Overwhelm

 I was feeling overwhelmed.  Every day my time was stretched so thin that I was starting to hyperventilate inside.  I had no idea how I was going to accomplish everything that I had committed to and was expected of me.  I knew that something had to give, I just didn't know what.

Then the idea came.  It was so simple I almost didn't do it.  The idea was to write a declaration that said,  "I have time to do everything I want."   

The first time I looked in the mirror and said out loud, "I have time to do everything I want" I INSTANTLY felt a relief of tension.  I felt a little lighter, a little better, a little less stressed and overwhelmed.  I was quite surprised at how just saying it (regardless of whether it was true in the moment) affected me.  I guess I had nothing to lose, so I tried it again the next day, and the next, and the next.  The most astonishing thing started to happen.  I started feeling differently.  I didn't feel overwhelmed, and I actually was getting everything done that I needed to do....and more!  How was this possible?  Had my situation changed? No.  Did I have less stuff to do and be responsible for? No.  Yet, here I was in the exact same situation, but feeling completely different AND actually feeling good about what I was accomplishing.  It felt great! I felt on top of things!  What had actually changed?  Was it magic?  No, but it felt magical, lol!

Do you do declarations?  Some people call them mantras or affirmations.  It's all the same basic idea.  It's a positive statement that you repeat frequently to yourself.  I have done them before, but this experience was more instant, perhaps because of how desperate I was feeling.

Here's what happens:  Creating a mental image activates many of the same brain areas that actually experiencing these situations would.  Regular repetition of positive statements can encourage your brain to take these statements as fact.  When you truly believe you can do something, your actions often follow.  In other words, it's helpful to give your brain instructions.  Declarations give your brain instructions!

Think about it, did your brain automatically know how to tie a shoe when you were little?  No, you had to teach it.  It's the same idea with declarations.  We have to teach our brain what we want it to do....and then it does it!  The brain is pretty amazing.  

I encourage you to give it a try.  Pick one thing you want to be better or different in your life and make a positive statement as though it has already happened.  (Remember, it doesn't have to be true in the moment.)  Then say it out loud every day and see what happens!  

P.S.  I am getting ready to start a course on emotional management.  It could be a great fit for you!  Contact me at shireebest@yahoo.com if you want more information.