A Beautiful Mind

I have written about my 18-year-old daughter before.  She has a debilitating and still-undiagnosed illness that has affected her joints.  Her mobility has steadily decreased while her pain has steadily and gradually increased.  Nine months ago she was a normal healthy teenager.  Today she walks with a cane most of the time, and has a handicapped sticker.  We are still looking for answers. yet she has somehow miraculously kept a positive attitude.  She recently wrote a paper entitled "Limit Without Limits" about her experience with this illness for her English class at UVU.  I wanted to share part of it with you:

"In December of 2016...the pain seemed to creep through my body to every single one of my joints. Not only did the issue spread, but the level of pain became bigger and the intensity increased greatly. The boulder (of pain) that I was dragging behind me with my hand had caught a grasp of all of my limbs, and the boulder started growing larger and larger. It felt bigger than me. Each week was worse than the last. The next week would be even worse. This was, and still is, continuing at a downward slope with no maneuvering up or leveling out.

It’s different now when I try to walk into a room.  I am having a hard time standing or walking because my knees or ankles are so inflamed. Walking into a room includes turning a door handle. That is highly difficult/painful some days for me, especially if it’s one of those days that my hands are unable to straighten out because of the pain. If I have to lift something, screw a lid off, open a fridge, cut cheese, pour milk, etc., mostly it is too painful for me even to think about doing. If there are stairs I have to go up them 5 minutes before everyone else to get to the top at the same time they do. I find this to be humorous because I look like a 90 year old woman in a 18 year old body. I also have a cane that I sometimes bring that helps me.

One of the worst things about walking into a room with people inside is that nobody knows. I can’t open the fridge, and nobody understands why, or they wouldn’t even think of why my hands looks the way they do when I try to lift food to my mouth because I have mastered hiding my pain, or they just don’t care. Some of my family members just found out the other day. Oh, but the people who do know are the doctors that see me so much. They know that I’m in pain, but they don’t know why, what’s causing it, or how to decrease the pain. Medication has never worked on me.

It feels a little odd being in the shaded area of the unknown for my body. But only my body is in the unknown. I’ve learned to pull my mind from that area and have accepted the situation. I don’t have control of my body being stuck. So why would I let my mind, the only thing I can fully control, be stuck too?

People could say that it is limiting. And physically, it is. Sometimes my body can't do even necessary basic tasks. But, there is a huge lesson that I’ve learned with this ongoing experience. Even though my body is limited… My mind is not. And that is where existence changes from just survival to really living. It starts with a beautiful mind. It has transformed my mind into different eyes that never sleep. They have a nature now to gathering beautiful things and learn to value everything, even the ugly. It’s taught me that there is beauty in hideousness, and allowed me to consciously see that and learn from the lesson or story that it tells. It has shown me deep gratitude for everything, a true optimistic outlook, a sincere love for everything. This has increased my mind's strength even if my body is weak, taught me so much care for other people, taught me patience (started with waiting for answers, then turned to more) with time or without time.

Now I see the things which I can control in my life, and I can completely grasp my mind to its fullest with the greatest of light. And it’s fullest has no limit. Which means, while my body continuously gets worse, my mind will continuously get further and further into happiness. This experience has increased my quality of life intensely. This has, and always will, change my life forever. "

The lessons I am learning from watching this child are incredible.  It is SO, SO difficult to watch a child in pain and be helpless to give relief.  I have learned to give my heartache to God, and I am trying to embrace my daughter's attitude in seeing the good all around me, and in being happy no matter the circumstance.