Have you ever noticed that some situations energize you while other situations drain you? In general, people who are extroverts are energized by social interaction, while people who are introverts are drained by the same situations. I am an introvert by nature, though I have learned to disguise it well. Knowing this about myself, I was greatly intrigued by a recent experience.
It was nearly 8:00 p.m. I had had a very busy day and was exhausted and wishing to be done for the day when I realized that I still needed to go to Costco before they closed in half an hour. I dragged myself into the car and vowed to get this over with as quickly as possible so I could go home and rest for the evening. As I was driving I realized that I had not done a goal I had set for myself that day - to do something nice for someone else that I would not normally do. I decided that while I was in Costco I would try to make eye contact with and smile at as many people as possible.
As I walked through the store I began making eye contact with and smiling at everyone who would look at me. I had so much fun doing this that I totally forgot about how tired I was and how much I didn't want to be at the store at 8:00 at night. By the time I walked out and loaded my car I was very surprised to realize that I no longer felt tired, but instead felt energized; so much so that I decided to go to one more grocery store on the way home that I had originally decided to save for morning.
As I entered the second store I again made contact with and smiled at everyone I could. I found that I was not in a rush, did not feel tired, and in fact felt happy and energetic, almost impossible for me at the late hour of now 9:00 at night. (Yep, I'm a morning person.)
I have pondered and studied to try to discover the source of this phenomenon. I have discovered that as we share our energy with others through positive interaction, we also receive energy back from that person. I still don't completely understand this amazing phenomenon, but what I do know is that it works. It was a startling discovery for me, and one I intend to keep using. Who knew that giving your energy away in a positive way would end up giving you more back than you gave AND make you feel happy at the same time?
If you need an energy boost, or you want to feel happier, try making eye contact with and smiling at others and see what happens. You may be as surprised as I was!
Where the rubber meets the road: "The point at which a theory or idea is put to a practical test." I have been put to such a test in the last nine days, and I have to say I am not doing as well as I had hoped.
Many times hard things come unexpectedly. Such was the case with me a week and a half ago when our local church congregation made some huge changes because of how big it had grown, and our family ended up being assigned to attend a different congregation at a different building with people we don't know as well as the ones we had been going to church with for the past 25 years.
I have worked on becoming more spontaneous and accepting change for years. Change has never felt comfortable to me, and yet life is always changing. I thought I had made great strides to becoming more adaptable. Actually, I HAVE made great strides. So when news of this major change in congregations came a week ago on Sunday I hoped I would adapt quickly. I gave myself some time to be sad about it (I cried for two days), then I picked myself up and decided to make the best of it. I put on a brave face, went through the week and right into our new church congregation on Sunday. I held up pretty well until it was almost time to go home. By the time I got home I was melting into tears.....again.
I tried to logic myself out of it. After all, it's not as if I have been asked to move to another state, or even to another city. I still have my same house, my same surroundings, everything that I love. No one else has moved either. No one has died. I have simply been asked to attend a different congregation. There are many bible stories where God required much more of his people than I am being asked to do. By those standards I have been asked to do practically nothing, and yet here I sit hardly able to talk about this change in my life without a quiver in my voice.
Sometimes I don't understand myself. I want to shake myself and say, "This is stupid!" Luckily for me, God is more patient with me than I am. In praying and asking for his guidance, I felt impressed with two thoughts:
First, that it would help to consciously think about every good thing and thank God for it specifically. I talk about and teach about gratitude frequently. Now I am to learn it on a new level. I felt impressed that I needed to recognize and be grateful for each and every person that said "hi" to me at my new church, every introduction, every smile, every interaction. I need to be grateful for the stained glass windows and the rock wall behind the podium and the upholstered pews. I need to find the good about everything I can think of about my new situation.
Second, I felt prompted to do a "write and burn" every day this week. I have talked about this in detail in my blogs earlier this year on "Letting Go of the Past". It is a fabulous tool! This is where you write your negative emotions down on paper, getting it all out. You can write about frustration, anger, disappointment, embarrassment, sadness, or any other emotion that is popping up. Once you have written all you can think of about that emotion, you take your paper outside, read it out loud to get the emotions verbally outside your body, then crumple up the paper and burn it. The act of burning it both destroys and purifies. It allows you to let go. I imagine this as I watch my paper burn. This exercise helps me to purge my negative emotions.
And so I forgive myself for not being as strong as I thought I was, for not being as adaptable and flexible as I thought I was. I forgive myself for being weak and easily broken. I ask God to forgive me too. Then I ask him to strengthen me so I can get up and move forward - not to another state or city or house, but just to another congregation. Where the rubber meets the road I realize I still have a long way to go.
One really fun and easy thing I have learned to do that brings me much joy on a daily basis is to lay in bed at the end of every day and think about what my favorite thing about that day was.
Sometimes I have kept a notebook where I write down my favorite thing from each day. At other times I just contemplate my day after I have turned off the light but before I fall asleep. This exercise helps me to feel happy, and feeling happy as you fall asleep is a wonderful thing. Studies show that your brain works all night on the last thoughts you have before going to sleep. I like feeding my brain happy thoughts.
It has been interesting for me to realize that there is practically no correlation between my to-do list that I work on all day and the things that end up being my favorite every night.
As I went back and read over several month's worth of favorites I had written down I noticed a pattern in the kinds of things I chose. My favorites tended to focus on precious snuggling moments with grand-kids or my husband, working in my yard, one-on-one time spent with a child, teaching classes, and alone time doing something I wanted just for fun (often involving a movie or book and chocolate!)
I have also come to know myself better through doing this fun reflection each night. I have learned what makes me happy--what brings me joy. This is especially valuable to know when I need a pick-me-up, feel overwhelmed, or any number of other negative emotions that can bring me down.
I encourage you to take the time to pick a favorite thing each night. Write it down, or don't write it down. Get to know yourself better and what makes you happy.
P.S. If your children are willing to do this exercise they will get to know themselves better and feel happier as well. If they are willing to share their favorites with you, you will get to learn what means the most to them, and when they need some extra love you will know how to show it to them.
There are times when life seem to be going along pretty good and things feel, well... maybe not easy, but at least somewhat manageable and happy. Then there are the times when life is definitely hard, and just getting through each day is a major accomplishment. I have been blessed enough to have had some of both experiences in my life. We probably all know people who always seem to have it easy (which of course is a perception and probably not reality) and people who seem to have every possible thing go wrong for them all of the time. Most of us land somewhere in the middle where we experience some of both.
I have noticed there are two ways people generally respond to these hardships. Either they become humble and learn from their trials and become stronger, OR their hearts become hardened and they become bitter and cynical. I have noticed that those who become humble and learn from their trials seem happier and grow stronger because of what they have been through.
Last week my 18-year-old daughter Madelynn gave a talk at her church. She talked about how when we are humble in our difficulty our trials become miracles because they change our hearts. I had never thought of it like that, but as I reflected back on my life I could think of times this had been true for me.
The summer of 2004 was one of those times. That summer death seemed to permeate a 3-month period. First my cousin took her life. Three weeks later my mother-in-law died somewhat unexpectedly. The morning after her funeral I received news that my uncle had died the night before. I felt completely shaken up, yet within the next couple of weeks two children of people we were friends with went missing and were either found dead, or were never found at all. Five deaths in three months was enough to rock anyone's world. That three-month period changed my heart to help me be grateful for every moment with those I loved, and to treat each day as if it was our last together. Trials are miracles because they change our hearts.
A couple of weeks ago I learned that a beautiful and always-smiling young married woman in my neighborhood has lost 16 pregnancies, yes, 16, and still has no baby. How is she still smiling? I haven't had a conversation with her about it, but I can see that she has not become bitter and cynical. She shows love and caring to all around her.
Have you seen the movie "Love, Kennedy"? It is about a young teenage girl with a rare disease who faces a grim prognosis but brings light to all she comes in contact with. Very inspiring.
Then there is Madelynn, the one who got me thinking about all of this in the first place. If you have been following my blog, then you already know that my daughter faces joint pain and ever-decreasing mobility on a daily basis. Some days she can hardly walk, yet surprisingly she is cheerful and optimistic.
In her talk in church she told us that for years she was in a dark place (she was). This trial has brought her closer to God, given her inner peace and joy, and she says she would not trade her pain for her healthy body and her dark-feeling life. In her talk she pointed out that through her trial her body has not been healed, but her soul has. She taught that when we let our trials change us, humble us, and when we are willing to learn from our difficulties, then those trials become miracles, miracles that change our hearts.
My daughter Madelynn is 18 years old. As you may know, since January of this year her mobility has steadily decreased, and her joint pain has steadily increased. This last week the rheumatologist we have been seeing for months told us that she does not have any form of arthritis.....back to the drawing board.
Madelynn is a student at Utah Valley University. Because of her decreasing mobility she now walks with a cane, and her movements are slow and deliberate. One of the things that keeps her going is how kind others are to her. She used to hate being served by others. She likes to be independent, and to have others do things for her used to make her feel uncomfortable. Then a very wise friend pointed out that it was a selfish way to feel, and that she was robbing others of the chance to help. This wise friend encouraged her to accept the gifts being extended to her. This shifted her perspective, and now she has developed a heightened awareness and gratitude for the many small acts of service that others do; things like opening her door, helping her up or down stairs, total strangers offering to carry her backpack for her. People will walk with her at her pace and have a conversation. She told me the other day about a mom who was sitting in the parking lot waiting for her son to come out of class. She watched Madelynn slowly walking down the sidewalk and going down the stairs. This wonderful mother got out of her car to ask Madelynn if she could help her. She and her son helped my daughter down the stairs, then gave her a ride to her car, opened her car doors for her and got her safely inside before leaving. These simple yet enormous acts of kindness help my daughter to feel loved and cared about.
Even so, it is difficult to always be served and never to serve, so recently she decided that she was going to match a kindness for a kindness every day, both in quality and intensity. Though she cannot physically do things for other people, she realized that there is much she can do. For example, the greeter at Walmart sees her come in on a regular basis. He has befriended her, encouraged her and had some meaningful conversations with her. In return for this thoughtful gesture, Madelynn has vowed to treat other people with as much kindness as she has been treated. She has challenged herself to keep track of the nice things done to her every day and repay them in her own way before she goes to bed each night. Many of her kindnesses come in the form of quality conversations with others. She has taken the time to smile sincerely, give encouraging words, befriend and help those much younger than her, and teach and inspire those around her. Kindness for a kindness has brought her greater happiness and helped her focus on making other people's day better rather than thinking about herself.
I have found myself learning from this child and striving to reach her level of awareness and giving. Mahatma Gandi once said, "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind." I wonder what a kindness for a kindness ends up making?
I would like to invite all of us to be more aware of kindnesses being done in our behalf. What if we were to match that kindness in our own ways each day before going to bed? Even better, let us be the first to extend kindness.
Not only do you have the power to make the world a little better, but you will feel greater happiness and satisfaction in your own life as well.
A few weeks ago my daughters and I decided to try an experiment together. For 21 days six of us agreed that we would all do something kind each day for another human being that we would not normally do. We wanted to see if "stepping up" our level of kindness to others around us would change us in any way, and if so, how? We agreed that it didn't need to be anything big, but to be aware and look for opportunities to make someone else's day better. We also decided that this was a "no guilt" experiment. If we missed a day, or several days, any amount of stepping it up was an improvement over what we had done previous to the experiment, and therefore a success. No guilt. And thus we began. We had a group text where we reported at the end of the day what we had done. This helped keep us motivated and accountable. At the end of the 21 days we met at a local favorite restaurant (Kneaders) for breakfast (french toast, of course!) and to report the results of our experiment. Here is what we discovered:
We realized how much we already do for others. Finding some way to serve or do something nice for someone else that we normally would not do was somewhat of a challenge at times. We realized that we already do a lot that we hadn't even been giving ourselves credit for. We found that we had things we could have "counted" as service, or a nice thing for someone else, but we had to ask ourselves would we normally have done that anyway? If we would have, we did not count it.
We noticed that we felt more positive, understanding and loving feelings towards those around us. The author Richard Paul Evans one said, "You love that whom you serve". It's true. The bible teaches this over and over. Our experiment softened our hearts toward other people, and helped us to love them.
We found that getting outside ourselves and our own problems actually made each day richer and happier. Scientists would say that these acts of kindness increase our serotonin levels, or hormones in the brain called "happy hormones". It made life more fun and more fulfilling.
We became more aware of the nice things other people do for us. One of my daughters said she became much more aware when someone would hold a door open for her or do any other small kind gesture that she might have noticed in the past, but would not have received with as much appreciation as she now felt as she recognized these small gifts from strangers. Greater awareness and appreciation of other peoples acts of kindness was an unexpected bonus!
"Stepping it up" proved more challenging on some days than others. Some of my daughters expressed that on especially busy days it was hard to make time to think about someone else. We all got creative in our desire to serve more than what we normally would have. Here are some of the ways we found to brighten other people's days:
Spending time with a child when normally that time would have been spent cleaning.
Paying for the drink of the person behind you in the drive-thru.
Bringing someone a treat at work.
Buying a candy bar while going through the grocery line, then giving it to the cashier or person behind you.
Buying a candy bar and then praying who to give it to, then looking for that right person as you go through your day.
Saying "yes" to a child when normally you would have said "no" because you didn't want to do something.
Giving the gift of time to help someone else with their homework when you have your own to do.
Holding the door open for others.
Praying in the morning to know what to say to people you meet that will brighten their day.
Praying for an opportunity to help someone that day, and then paying attention and following through when ideas come.
Being friendly and cheerful to everyone you meet.
Going out of your way to help a coworker.
Doing extra things for family members that you would normally let them do themselves.
Being a nicer-than-usual driver and letting people into your lane.
Letting someone go in front of you in line at the store.
Letting someone else have their way on something and being happy about it.
Did this 21-day experiment change us? YES! We all agreed that it made us more aware of what we do in our day. It helped us be more appreciative of others. This experiment helped us feel more love for other people, and stepped up our level of kindness to others in a way that we hope to maintain. As a group, we agreed that it also gave us a good feeling, and helped us to feel happier.
Want to try this experiment? It's so fun! It also worked really well to do it in a group. The group text kept us accountable, motivated and inspired by each other. I invite you to put together your own group and please let me know how it goes, or comment below if you want to do this experiment with me. I would love an opportunity to do it again!
We all know the story of the good Samaritan. He was the one who stopped to help a man who had been beaten, robbed and left on the side of the road to die. People who ought to have stopped to help crossed to the other side of the road and kept going. The good Samaritan, whose nation was not friendly with the beaten man's, stopped to help. I have always thought that had it been me walking down the road, I would have stopped to help. Yesterday at church we discussed this bible story, and ways that it applies to us in these modern days. As I contemplated in what ways I figuratively cross the road in our modern world, it was startling for me to realize that I have indeed been guilty of crossing to the other side of the road many times.
For example, in the past people who looked very different from me made me uncomfortable, so I would carefully avoid them. People who looked like they did drugs, or had a myriad of tattoos, or seemed very different than me would make me uncomfortable and this caused me to figuratively cross the road to the other side. I basically avoided eye contact and pretended they were not there. This made me feel more comfortable This discomfort and behavior eventually changed for me when I became acquainted with clients from a drug and alcohol rehab center and started speaking at their facility as a guest speaker. I learned that they are wonderful people who are literally fighting for their lives. They are truly heroes. Every once in a while one of them will thank me for my support of them, and tell me that normally "people like me" don't talk to "people like them". Most people cross the road.
Another example: My daughter needed to be pushed from class to class at the university she attends this past week because it was so painful for her to walk. After one day in a wheelchair she expressed strongly that she never wanted to ride in a wheelchair again. She said that she felt invisible. No one looked at her or talked to her unless she put forth the first effort. She said it was a real ding to her self esteem. She hated the way being ignored felt. (I know this is not always true. I have heard from quite a lot of people who have felt treated very kindly in a wheelchair. I have also talked to some who had my daughter's experience.) As we talked about why people would act this way, we decided that they were probably trying to be kind by not staring, or that they felt uncomfortable. The results were that she felt ignored and invisible. I thought back to my own actions when I have seen someone in a wheelchair, or in any other unusual circumstance, and I realized that I have been guilty of the same behavior. I have been uncomfortable and figuratively crossed the road.
One last example: Another daughter of mine lives in a community where virtually everyone around her prescribes to the predominant religion of the area. She does not. As a result she finds that people sometimes seem to mistrust her and her children, or treat her differently. She at times has felt ostracized or left out in her community. I have heard other people say that people won't let their children play together. This is also crossing the road.
I feel that in general most people are good. We have a desire to love, to be kind, to do good. When someone is physically hurt most would rush to help. It is the invisible wounds in our day and age that cause us to sometimes cross the road. I consider myself a very loving person who wants to be kind to everyone. I painfully acknowledge that I have also had times when I let fear or discomfort make my decisions, causing me to figuratively cross the road. (Which is different from an impression that you are not safe and need to leave.) This was a huge and humbling "aha" moment for me. I have been guilty of crossing the road at times instead of stopping to help, giving eye contact, or even just smiling and saying hi. These are the simple gestures that bind wounds and make a positive difference.
I am going to work very hard to reach out to all those I used to cross the road with. I want to be a good Samaritan.
I invite you to spend a few minutes contemplating how you might be figuratively crossing the road, and what wounds you might bind up if you did something differently, and what positive difference that would make in many tiny ways in the lives of others.
